Fantastic Four.

Size: XL
Where: See below.

Why: This shirt was thrown at me by a drag queen at the midnight opening of Revenge of the Sith at the Ziegfeld.



Comment: Unbelievably, the fact that this shirt was thrown at me by a drag queen at the midnight opening of Revenge of the Sith at the Ziegfeld is actually not the most interesting story I have about this shirt.

[Yes, folks, it's The Jessica Alba Story! If you already know The Jessica Alba Story -- and I know many of you do, as I've told this story many times -- just skip to the next entry.]

A few Sundays later, I'm wearing this shirt over to the Schwartzes, back when they still lived in Midtown. I'm riding down the elevator from the 32nd floor, and maybe like on 30 or 29, the car stops and this dude gets on. Normal-looking dude, no big deal, certainly nothing alarming. He looks over, sees the shirt, and goes, "Hey, Fantastic Four. Have you seen it yet?" I reply that no, I haven't yet had the chance. To which he responds:

"Oh my god. That Jessica Alba. She is SO HOT. She is the HOTTEST GIRL making movies these days. Seriously. That Jessica Alba is SO F*KING HOT."



I give a kind of non-committal chuckle of agreement, but he's not done yet:

"She is SO HOT. And I'll tell you why she's hot. Because she's TINY. These girls are SO HOT when they're TINY. There are SO MANY girls who start out so hot when they're SMALL, but then they grow up and fill out a little bit, and they're not hot anymore. Like that Jessica Biehl. Or Jaime Pressly. They were SO HOT when they started out. Because they were SMALL. But then they grew up and filled out a little bit, and now they're not hot anymore. But that Jessica Alba. She is SO HOT. Because she's TINY." On and on and on....

By this time, I'm sort of trying to disappear into the corner, staring at the numbers above the elevator door going 26, 25, 24....



Finally, after THE longest elevator ride EVER, the door finally opens onto the lobby, the dude just sort of goes, "Alright, see you later," nods hello at the doormen, walks out the front door and disappears. And I go home to take many, many showers.

The shirt has pretty much just stayed in the drawer since then.